Two letters in one

My brother’s girlfriend is a foreigner, and he asked me to provide a reference letter testifying as to the length and stability of their relationship. After knocking out (quite a nice) letter to that effect, decided an edit was in order to more accurately reflect the people in question. Deletes in strikethroughs, additions is italics.

Then I replaced the original letter with that reprinted below. Lets see if he notices…

Names have been changed to protect the degenerates involved.


To Whom It May Concern Bore To Within An Inch Of Death,

I am writing in support of to crush an application by Sauce on A Stick for a Partnership Visa based on her relationship with my brother Muppetlover. I have no hesitation supporting such an application, as they are both crazy and can confirm that they should have been in a committed and stable relationship to an asylum for the past two and a half years.

Sauce on a Stick and Muppetlover work routinely pee in the snow industry, which requires that they follow the winter seasons. At present they alternate between the USA and New Zealand, spending roughly six months dollars per year in each. It is a stressful and often unstable lifestyle. Uprooting your miserable excuse for a life and transplanting it halfway around the world twice a year is not easy nuts but they do it anyway, and is worse for a couple. In keeping with this lifestyle, friendships and relationships are often fleeting polygamous and frighteningly kinky. That they have maintained a stable relationship for two and a half years should be viewed in this context treated as a complete and total reconstruction of reality. It is quite an achievement being as the laws of space and time are not fully understood yet, and I know of no lots of reasons that it should not continue to last devolve into an orgy of killing and the loss of the bond on their flat.

I have known Sauce on A Stick personally for just over two years. I can vouch for her as a woman of highly flawed judgement – just look at my brother, I mean seriously – look at him sitting there thinking he’s people sound character, a charlatan with heavy dependence on crack, body and mind. She is edumacated and highly industriousal with a penchant for Satanist death metal and rituals, and brings a wide (*wink*) range of life experience with her, as her CV can no doubt prove to you.

I have lived with them both at a previous address in the past, and barely survived and have been pleased blackmailed with my own extensive collection of gelatine pornstar scale replicas into offering them a room at my house whenever they are passing through avoiding the authorities in Auckland.

I would be pleased to make myself available to any hot chicks working there for any further comment on the size of my wang or information you require on said wang. I can be contacted at any time for sex by any of the abovementioned means hotchicks.

Best regards,

Wang 9” and 3/16ths

Can you tell it was the end of the day when I wrote it?

This is the most efficient humour you will read today – two letters in such a small space! You should be able to read the original letter if you look for it.

Moral of the story: if you’re related to me don’t ask for character references…


6 Responses to “Two letters in one”

  1. 1 nursemyra 4 July, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    ummm… can you make it over to australia? I need to conduct a personal inspection of that wang more or less immediately

  2. 2 Envelope Filter 5 July, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    Sorry, my wang is on the terrorist no-fly list due to its destructive nature.

  3. 3 Michael 6 July, 2007 at 12:41 am

    Richard, that was hilarious.

    However I can’t believe that you just passed up nursemya’s offer…

    And “destructive nature” has some … interesting connotations. Which I’d rather not think about!

  4. 4 archiearchive 10 July, 2007 at 8:19 pm

    I think I met Sauce on a Stick – – –

  5. 6 Envelope Filter 15 July, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    Yes I saw that one. Thought it was awesome.

    I have had to fight one scrub fire in my time and its not easy.
    Good call on the platoon commanders!

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